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I had an appointment with my psychiatrist the other day. I thought it was going to be one of those typical fifteen minute twice yearly visits for the sole purpose of getting prescription refills, but Dr. H. ended up spending almost an hour with me. No judgments, he said, but you’re barely functioning. I told him that I was actually feeling pretty okay with my life as it is. Sure, I never thought that this, my life as it is now, would ever be my reality. But I’ve reached a point of accepting it. Dr. H. thinks I’m giving up on myself, and that I should be fighting for change. Well I’ve been dealing with mental health issues since my early teens so excuse me for not being all gung-ho about trying something different, for the millionth time, when different has never worked.

The new plan is to go back on Abilify, a smaller dose this time, and to wean myself off of Effexor. Dr. H. suggested that I try Lithium, but I went that route when I was nineteen and gained eighty pounds within a year, which I’ve never managed to lose. No thanks.

So maybe something will change. Maybe not.

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