Borderline Personality Disorder Blog. Bipolar Disorder Blog. BPD. DBT. Cleveland. A Fragment in Orange.


I don't want to be around people. Damn all the prior commitments I made. I feel as though I'm sitting back, waiting and watching to see what unfolds within myself. I picture the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Not necessarily angel and devil, but definitely two parts making one whole. Opposites of each other, pulling me in two directions. I should name these two parts, because I'm not supposed to be using the words "good" and "bad" (no judgments). Sarah 1 and Sarah 2 perhaps. Sarah Light and Sarah Dark? I like the latter. Although, Sarah Light isn't some ethereal, positive, happy-go-lucky entity. Sarah Light is the part of me that strives to change for the better. Maybe Sarah Get Better and Sarah Stand Still. Better yet.

I'm watching Sarah Stand Still in action. Resisting change. Creating chaos to overwhelm Sarah Get Better. Sarah Get Better is easily overwhelmed. She can focus on one or two things at a time. Throw a few hurdles in her way and she bows out to Sarah Stand Still.

I'm observing this play as if I'm not directly involved with any of it.

Sarah Stand Still is like a demon in need of a good exorcism. She hisses and seethes. Blackness oozing forth from every orifice, hot like lava, sticky like tar, and sour like molasses.

I watch this. Hear what comes from her mouth. See the faces she makes. Lips scrunched up, brows furrowed, eyes squinting. If she were a snake, you would know she was preparing to strike. I shake my head.