tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65637692956411368632024-02-20T12:24:29.530-05:00a fragment in orangeUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger121125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-70795017239403693082013-06-08T00:34:00.001-04:002013-06-08T00:34:38.350-04:00i'm scared.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-91155015191455851712013-05-13T22:06:00.000-04:002013-05-13T22:06:12.314-04:00I saw my psychiatrist and he thinks that ECT would be a good thing for me. He referred me to one of his colleagues who performs ECT; I have an appointment with this other doctor in a few weeks time. The plan is to do it in July.
My psychiatrist wanted me to try taking lithium. I took lithium for a few years in college and it did nothing for me, but he thinks something Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-45374509568804013162013-04-30T21:25:00.000-04:002013-04-30T21:25:01.594-04:00This is me, right nowI've never felt this way before, that I have no options. I am barely making it through each day, and there's no end in sight. There's nothing to look forward to, no relief. There's no thinking that "if I just make it through this phase..." So much is wrong in my life, above and beyond my mental illness and I don't know how I'm going to turn it around. I see my Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-29139881110794678082013-04-28T21:36:00.000-04:002013-04-28T21:36:26.134-04:00a hauntingUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-59923113828444583302013-04-28T21:25:00.001-04:002013-04-28T21:25:49.222-04:00Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-83217350529885852442013-04-28T21:19:00.002-04:002013-04-28T21:20:53.936-04:00a hauntingUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-22278670226802643012013-04-28T21:17:00.002-04:002013-04-28T21:20:43.375-04:00a hauntingUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-39339518601023106002013-04-27T01:36:00.001-04:002013-04-27T01:36:32.012-04:00It seems that ECT is the next step. I'm running out of options. And I'm tired of everything.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-49446432118281696702012-10-06T17:29:00.000-04:002012-10-06T17:29:52.531-04:00I feel like talking, so I tried to log in to this blog but could not remember my blog's name, the email address it's associated with, or my password. It's funny that being secretive and trying to be anonymous and creating a million different aliases only keeps things hidden from me. If I had everything out in the open, my real name out there for all to see, would anyone even care Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-45450766657570269922012-04-29T02:16:00.000-04:002012-04-29T02:16:06.731-04:00Hi blog. It's me. I'm back. It's fifteen months later. I'm still alive. Crap.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-71457023927416598652011-02-16T23:55:00.000-05:002011-02-16T23:55:27.651-05:00Emsam patchI should have done some research. I was so excited by the possiblity of trying something new, hopefully The Fix, that I didn't do a price check on the Emsam patch. $500/3 months supply. What do I do now? That's big money for me.
Is it really possible -- the solution to my psychiatric predicament in a medication I've never tried before? I remember eighteen Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-21917063822831343142011-02-14T16:34:00.000-05:002011-02-14T16:34:59.269-05:00On Vacation -- Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!I'm on vacation in Arizona. Big whoopdeedoo. I'm supposed to be having a good time. Supposed to be enjoying the weather. Enjoying my parents' company. I am doing none of these things. I miss my bed at home -- pulling the covers up over my head and crying myself to sleep. Here I have to get dressed. Sit upright (sometimes stand! and walk!&Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-80481616202454047082011-02-13T23:30:00.000-05:002011-02-13T23:30:38.420-05:00blowing out the candles on the cakeI wish that I could erase myself. Fully. Completely. Gone.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-25488870693951494202011-01-19T19:32:00.001-05:002011-02-13T23:32:12.009-05:00A change in meds, Again.I had a good chat with my psychiatrist yesterday. I think that he understands a little better who I am as a person, and what exactly I struggle with. I feel less pigeon-holed. But now he's questioning my bipolar-ness. AGAIN. I swear it's psychiatrists that are bipolar. Make up your mind!
So maybe I'm not bipolar. Fine with me. He also suggested Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-48854663798100267992011-01-14T20:15:00.002-05:002011-01-14T20:34:45.193-05:00Exorcise meFor the past two weeks I've been taking a hard look at my binge-eating problem. I've tried to stop the binging altogether. But take away a self-destructive "coping" mechanism and the body and mind scramble to find something to replace it. I've been trying my hardest to not replace the binging with a negative something else. Meanwhile, in marches the foul mood, the Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-6935122444620213342011-01-03T16:27:00.001-05:002011-01-03T17:07:44.263-05:00I Hate JanuaryThis month marks the fifth anniversary of the very worst day of my life. Compared to most peoples’ worst day it’s kind of lame. My house didn’t burn down with my dog inside. My legs didn’t fall off. My mom wasn’t abducted by aliens. For the worst day of my life it could have been a lot worse.
In January, five years ago, my husband announced that he and my very best Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-65181953364331132862010-12-30T22:12:00.000-05:002010-12-30T22:12:14.258-05:00I'm choosing tonight to start thinking a little more positively and to start making some good changes in my life. A little daunted by the next three days of nothing planned. The option to hole up indoors all alone all weekend. I promise myself that over the next three days I will lift myself up rather than tear myself down. A small and simple goal -- first steps -- Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-76443069708457500412010-12-29T17:03:00.000-05:002010-12-29T17:03:02.085-05:00The F WordI am fat. It’s true. FAT. This is not an oh-she’s-just-got-low-self-esteem thing. According to the body mass index chart I am obese. Like I need a chart to figure that one out. Honestly, I could stand to lose a hundred pounds. But I’d rather sit. A few years ago I went through the DBT skills class (twice or thrice) that was offered at an eating Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-33683105644919302282010-12-27T15:56:00.001-05:002010-12-29T19:28:21.039-05:00Happiness is a Serious ProblemMy mom gave me this book for Christmas: Happiness is a Serious Problem: A Human Nature Repair Manual by Dennis Prager. From the cover: "This is the repair manual we should have been handed at birth . . . In order to be happy, we first have to battle ourselves."
Well, duh.
In the past I've had spurts of gung-ho-ness where I jumped into this, that, and the other in Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-11069223748220055172010-12-24T18:05:00.000-05:002010-12-24T18:05:11.545-05:002010: It was a yearWhat was special about this year? Not much. It just kind of flew by, probably because I was asleep most of the time. A brief recap:
In January I quit therapy, not because I thought that I was well but because my psychologist Marsha was no longer covered by my insurance. I was still hella depressed but I didn’t think it was necessary to find a new therapist and start the Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-84060165454077444982010-12-24T13:29:00.001-05:002010-12-24T17:29:42.118-05:00FabulouslyPsych update: I’m doing fabulously well. [Weird, I used the word “fabulously”]. No sadness. No heavy droopy body feelings. I still sleep an awful lot on my days off (like, the whole day) but I attribute that to a number of other things not psych-related. Laziness, boredom, loneliness, etc. I’ll have to work on those things eventually if I plan on having aUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-56792972706912547682010-12-18T23:58:00.002-05:002010-12-18T23:58:00.155-05:00First Dates are FunOh gawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwd. Got home a few hours ago from a first date that did not go well. It's a great thing to see disinterest in the eyes of the person you're sitting across from. Home into jammies and three whiskeys later I got an email from her. She had a question to ask. Turns out something I said screwed it all up. That figures. I can't just be Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-9068619150669993902010-12-15T16:49:00.002-05:002013-04-28T21:48:14.404-04:00The Effect of Borderline Personality Disorder on My Friendships. Or, How I Spent My Summer Vacation
It’s something I don’t like to talk about because I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I let friendships die. That I let friendships die because I’m an asshole. No judgment, it’s the truth. When I’m not blaming myself I’m blaming BPD which, in essence, is blaming myself BECAUSE OF BPD. Geez Louise. Can ya see the dysfunction there? So yeah, I am unable Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-15197128036905978022010-12-14T23:01:00.002-05:002010-12-16T18:19:41.628-05:00WeanMy psychiatrist warned that weaning off the Effexor might cause dizziness. I did two pills a day for two weeks, one pill a day for two weeks, and just started my half a pill two nights ago. Dizzy. But dizzy good. High. Hyper. Good mood. Up. Can't sleep. Boo. Crappy blog post. Boo. I've decided to do three quarters of a pill Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6563769295641136863.post-66873061368459338772010-11-26T17:57:00.000-05:002010-12-14T17:21:26.969-05:00ThanksgivingMom and Dad came from Tucson for Thanksgiving. The second best Thanksgiving ever. Being a single girl most of the time, I’m usually alone for the holiday, eating something from a can and grumbling that I’m forced to take a day of vacation time in the almost-middle of the week. Wah, poor me. I’m actually pretty okay spending the holidays on my own; I think of them as just another day. So yes,Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0