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A change in meds

I stopped taking the Abilify a while back. After the first month I no longer felt that it was working. I was depressed again. And the side effects were many -- Feeling tired all the time but not being able to sleep. Grinding my teeth. The worst side effect was the lack of emotion. I felt like a zombie. Still depressed but not sad. Not anything. Just numb. I don't like the super high fruitcake ups, and I don't like the keep-the-sharp-knives-away-from-me downs. But I do like some emotion. Sometimes it feels good to cry. There's a release. And the occasional good day feels spectacular. I'd rather be moody than flatline.

Yesterday was one of those good days. I had a little smile on my face. Everything tasted good and smelled good and looked good and felt good. But when I went to bed a random bad memory flashed across my mind and I started weeping. I lay there for a good little while, tears plopping onto my pillow. Crying felt good (I'm alive!) so I conjured up worse memories and reveled in sadness. Sadness over, I stopped crying and went to sleep. And this morning I felt fine. I'm glad to be back to my same old abnormal self. Seriously.

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