you take the good you take the bad you take them both and there you have the facts of life.

and that's all i have to say right now. but give me a moment.

blah day #2. work was slow. i ate two muffins, two donuts and one bag of corn nuts. i don't know if that's progress, but it's something. today's patient (i only saw one today) was a 94 year old woman who has outlived her husband, all of her siblings, all of her friends, some of her grandchildren, and one of her great grandchildren. and she's still full of happiness and optimism and giggles. it was inspiring to spend an hour with her. you think, wow, good for her. isn't it amazing. 94 years old and strong and healthy and not on a single medication.

later, having let the experience sink in, i thought fuck. look how far a positive attitude will get you. and fuck, i don't have one of those.

there's really no point to my story. i'm just saying.

i've made a resolution to just be myself and let it all hang out. people tell me all the time that i'm far too critical of myself. and that's true. i might argue later that it's being critical of myself that's pushed me to achieve what i have achieved thus far. but that's an argument for another day. i can't change my habit of being critical of myself overnight, so while i work on that (hah) i'm going to just let loose and be me. no apologies. no censoring. no bullshit. no wait, scrap the bullshit part. i'm human. humans bullshit all the time, most of them not realizing when they're doing it. i know i'll go back and reread the stuff i write and say, HA that's BULLSHIT! a little bit of distance from a matter will do that for you. then maybe it's not bullshit at the time. maybe if at the time you don't know it's bullshit then it isn't bullshit at all. where am i going with this? even i don't know.

well. let's see. i'm 34 years old and it's pretty safe to say that if i'm the same person now that i was ten years ago and twenty years ago then i am who i am and nothing's going to change. perspective will change. mine certainly has. but personality won't. so then i should just embrace my personality and say to myself, hey, shit, i forgot what i was going to say.

my mind is a sieve. depression has hit. i'm not saying that to be a drama queen or anything. it's a fact. i am depressed. it's not likely a big one -- i think the big ones are in my past. but it's a situational one. if something in my life changes, positive or negative, a mini depression soon follows. (side note: this is weird. i just looked up "moon" in an online dictionary and my search yielded "no results found for moon". wtf? and this reminds me of what ex-guy said to me on that fateful last day -- 'so you believe everything you read on the internet??' yeah, i do. and apparently moon is not a word. you heard it here first folks.)

blah. depression. not the sitting around contemplating slitting my wrists kind. no ridiculous crying or tantrums or pulling out of one's own hair. no pulling out of other peoples' hair either. this depression is a lot less interesting. it hits my body first. everything feels heavier. standing upright is more of an effort. breathing is more of an effort. sleeping is a hell of a lot more of an effort. i'm way more sleepy than usual, but i can't sleep. it's awesome. then once your body is wiped out, the depression hits your brain. i'd imagine that this is what senile dementia is like. my brain locks up for a few seconds here and there, and i'm thinking whatthefuckwhowherewhy? i get stupid.

going to bed soon. off to read some poetry. and no, that's not codespeak for something else.