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9.21.2009

becoming more anti-social. it's easy for me to do. it is me. being anti-social at work, except with my patients. i close the door of my exam room and listen to my ipod all day and people say, oh, you're here? i haven't seen you all day. i like working independently. no one to answer to. no one to answer to me. just do a good job. that's the easy part. my patients seem to like me. i hear a lot of interesting stories. have a lot of laughs. feel a lot of peoples' pain -- makes me feel connected. respect for the living and respect for the soon to be not-living.

still overwhelmed by the silence, this intense relationship with myself. too much sometimes -- i come home and go to bed. try to sleep for an hour or two, but that rarely works. so i get up and watch tv and worry about doing what i have to do tomorrow. every day. every tomorrow. not sure what meaning there is in this type of existence. i get by. nothing lasts forever. just the state i'm in. the state of today. not good. not bad. the heart still ticks. the heart still feels. the earth living and breathing around me. leaves turning. anticipating the cool crisp breath. blazers. boots. winter coats. mittens.

and this life i have is better than most peoples'. enjoy it for what it's worth. feel the cold tile beneath my feet. dog hair on the sheets. too many rumpled socks lying around in every room, but they are friends now. what to do when i grow up. oh wait, i am grown. this is me. this is how it is. this is how it will be. unless . . . i make change. don't think i need to. don't think i want to. just wait it out and see what happens. not good. not bad.

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