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change, in moderation

my house is alive. mom. dad. brother. niece. the hours after they have gone to bed are now especially beautiful. in those quiet hours, when the house is asleep, i watch sad documentaries on my computer and cry big silent tears.

the family has changed. the dynamics have changed. it's nice. nice is not a very descriptive adjective, but it sums things up nicely. having family around, having this new family around, is nice. i've never appreciated my brother, for too many reasons to list here. now i see him in the role of daddy, and my perspective changes. vulnerability, truth, imagination, effort, weakness -- and now i see some other sides.

i will miss them when they go. i will miss the murmuring muffled by bedroom walls. the flush of a toilet. the slam of a cupboard. i will miss these sounds. the sounds of a house breathing, pulsing, retreating, expanding.

but i will celebrate the first night that i'm back to sleeping in the nude. i'll celebrate the 3 a.m. raid of the cookie jar. the 4 a.m. cigarette (or two). the dawn breaking beyond the fucking.

freedom is nice. family is nice. independence is nice. responsibility is nice. all in small doses.

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