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6.06.2009

music is my god

little baby deeries just feet from me, timid but spirited by hunger, light me up. i was supposed to go to work today but i turned into this country music song and i pretended that work doesn't exist, because really it doesn't when i'm the only one there. it's like that tree falling in the forest. if sarah doesn't go to work on a day when no one else is there, can anybody hear it? yeah, whatever.

instead of working i took billy to the formerly-creepy vet for the verdict. the bloody wound is a ruptured cyst or tumor or something, and he needs surgery. fortunately, he was already going to have surgery to remove an ugly hangy-doodle on his leg, so the thing-removal will be done at the same time. $1200. note to self -- get pet insurance next dog.

i'm now in love with the formerly-creepy vet. i wanted to wrap my arms around his neck and let him explain splenic tumors and tooth removal to me. i'm quite sure he's gay, but that is irrelevant. while billy was in another room getting shaved and x-rayed, dr. steve and i had a chat. i started the chat with "i'm sorry to be morbid, but . . . ".

after the death of my bluedog i started mentally preparing for the death of my beloved billy. things did not go well when blue died. i mean, they went as i imagine they naturally do, but i didn't handle it well. after that experience i realized that i had to have a plan for what to do when billy, um, gets to the point of, well, you know. yeah, i'm a total planner. i plan for worst case scenarios. i'm usually pleasantly surprised by how worst case scenarios are really never as bad as i expected. i impress myself sometimes. but still . . . i need a plan. just in case.

people say i worry too much. that i'm too morbid. that i'm negative. that's all fine, but i really like my "just in case" personality. i'm not one to pretend that everything is great and will always be great. denial is gross. why am i even explaining this? i really shouldn't have to explain anything. it is what it is. i am who i am.

unrelated -- i just watched revolutionary road. it wasn't what i expected. it's left me pleasantly unsettled. i like some problems that don't have solutions. some truths that can't be changed no matter how much you hate those truths. there's something sexy about perpetual challenge. perpetual seeking. i may be a country music song today, but feeling unsettled or unnerved or un-something makes me like being alive. or makes life relevant. something. where are the words to describe?

i asked dr. steve if he ever goes to a client's house to euthanize an animal. he said in rare circumstances. rare circumstances like what, i asked. and that's when i found myself in a conversation with someone who is saying the correct things legally but dropping hints about something else entirely. and i feel relieved. my just in case plan is planned. billy can die at home with me. is it legal to bury a dog in the back yard i asked. no, dr. steve said, but i never tell anyone. love love love. then he tells me the story about his seven year old dog who had bone cancer. he removed the dog's shoulder and arm. he did chemo (which he says doesn't have the same awful side effects in dogs like it does in humans). a few months later the dog died. that's really sad, i said, walking out of the office. dr. steve smiled and said yeah, like what we were talking about before wasn't sad.

on the drive home, billy's head hanging out the window, his tongue tasting the breeze, i cried. not for long. and not for sadness. i cried because life is beautiful sometimes.

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